What I Probably Should Have Said

I have been fairly absent from the blogosphere for the past couple of months. I have found inspiration in hundreds of things that I find every day here in Thailand, yet I have not had the motivation to write it out on paper. I have an inkling as to why this is, but it will be difficult for me to form a coherent blog post out of it. Nonetheless, I think I owe an explanation, and maybe even an apology to those of you who have gone so long without hearing anything from me, especially since I was a fairly loyal blogger back in the days of France.

Life here has taken on a sense of normalcy. I'm at the point in which I have to physically remind myself sometimes that I am in Thailand, a country that is thousands of miles away from my home in the United States of America. I've reached what is to be considered the "Surface Adjustment Period" in my time abroad. I have started to get used to Thai customs, traditions, and culture, and it has reassured me that yes, although it will be hard, I will be able to survive this year.

Culture shock was an undeniably awful experience, but I am glad that I had to go through it. After spending days trying to divise a proper escape plan and feeling like crying every day when people addressed me, I gained a lot of insight into my psyche.

I have been grappling with a lot of unanswerable questions lately, and in recent times I have struggled to find even an inkling of intuition in the ever-flowing stream of consciousness that my brain throws at me. These two vastly different cultures that I have been forced to accept and appreciate really make me question myself and human existence. Things like "Why am I here, in Thailand? What do I want to accomplish? Where should I start?" have slowly morphed into inquiries such as "What do I need in order to survive and thrive as a human being? Why I am here, in the world? What has led me to make such decisions in my life? Why do people act as they do? How can a culture withstand time?" In the past few months, these questions have led me to see the most unpleasant and best sides of me.
I am an imperfect being. I am self-conscious, introverted, and abrupt. I am made up of unbalanced dichotomies of light and dark, good and evil, and I have trouble coping with that. My first month here brought out the most extreme versions of myself. I receded into the solitude of my own mind, I would only really say something when I was unhappy. It has gotten ten times better, but I can't forget how I acted then.

I've often thought that regret is the worst feeling in the world. I look back at my first month, and regrets flood back like a tsunami in the south of Thailand. You see, memories leave scars. Some scars you look at and think to yourself, "How badass," or "It gives me character." But others, regrets, leave deeper wounds. They come back to haunt you and leave you with a bitter feeling in your mouth and disdain for yourself and your actions. The problem is, the scars of regret are always left in the most obvious of places-- in the center of your calf, or in between your septum and the top of your lip. These scars seem to be here to torment you. All you can do is look at them, recall how you got them, and kill yourself for letting it happen. The past is a haunting thing. These regrets have a way of seeping into my everyday life and keeping me from living it. They come in the form of jealousy, frustration, and embarassment.

Exchange is a surreal existence. It truly is living two lives at once. Even if you aren't on Facebook or Skype, it is impossible to keep yourself from thinking of the past, which indubitably, includes your life somewhere else. This collision of lives makes memories from your previous life more acute and sentient, as well as exacerbating the present moment. In this black hole that is created, this dimension-less in-between, your mind is constantly filled with ephemeral ideas, thoughts, and reminders of then and now, and regrets and painful memories resurface with more fervor than ever. But at the same time, exchange makes things so much more beautiful. Earlier this evening, my host sister drove me back from the park on her motorcycle. I love riding on the back of motorcycles. In a car, you can easily drown out the world around you and lose yourself. Being on a motorcycle enhances your senses and makes you appreciate every little thing you see. As we drove around the park on our way out, I looked up at the palm trees with awe and saw hundreds of little stars glowing in the sky. I was truly speechless as we continued heading down the tiny streets, hanging street lamps swarmed by mosquitoes and flies lighting the way. In addition to emphasizing the hard times, exchange also allows you to see the irrevocable picture that is the world we live in.

I've strayed from the topic at hand, but I think that it is an accurate representation of what I've felt while abroad. My mind is brimming, and the thought of writing a blog post has been so daunting to me that I haven't even tried. The most I have done is journal in incoherent bursts, occasionally proclaiming a shortcoming or triumph that I have had, and even less so trying to sort out the overactive nerve endings in my head.

Back in my senior year, my English class was the most inspiring course I have ever had in my life. My teacher, Miss De Soto, taught me not only about literature, but also about life. I'm eternally grateful to have had that year before coming here; it taught me so much about myself and really helped me to accept the mass of unresolved contradictions that make up my being (I've already referenced this class four times in this post... hehe). At the end of the year, we had to do a project called the "Senior Statement." In this assignment, our goal was to take a leap into the icy waters that separate us from our comfort zone and tell the truth about ourselves. I gained respect for so many people during the four or five class periods we took to present them all, but one student in particular really took my breath away with her perspective. Simply put, she mentioned having so many thoughts in her head that she needed to get them out onto paper in some creative form. Therefore, what she created was not just for fun, it was truly an extension of herself, and therefore she held it dear to her heart.

Similarly, I find that I am constantly being bombarded by a series of tiny revelations and thoughts, and it seems to be impossible for me to keep them around for long enough to be able to cement them in a journal entry or a blog post. They just keep coming and going and coming and going, and while I am in the middle of trying to properly format one into an acceptable creation, be it in an essay or poetry or art, new ones find their way into my brain, and I fear losing them, because it feels like I am losing a part of myself. I beat myself up because I feel like if I can't create something great, I may as well not create it at all. But I know that is not the right way to look at life. If I could just manage to organize my thoughts and understand what it all means, I might just be able to figure out this crazy thing called exchange, and more importantly, life.

Maybe dancing will help.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u1DaACK8zVU

A "Very Thai" Birthday Celebration

On August 4th, I reached 18 years of age. I had been in my host family's house for just under a month, and was not expecting much from the day. My friend from school, whose name is Cake, spent that Friday night at my house, and she woke me up mid-morning so that we could go downtown. The previous night she had tried to explain to me what the event was, but in a hodge-podge of Thai and English I was unable to understand the reason, so I just decided to go with the flow-- 'mai pen rai'-- like a true Thai person.
So the next morning we got in the car and headed into town. My host dad dropped us off at the "plaza," which is a covered parking garage and shopping area connected to the market and a grocery store, and we walked up to a little makeshift stage that had been set up. Photos of Thailand's favorite movie stars, Nadet and Yaya, adorned the area, and the stage's background was covered in advertisements for an instant noodle brand for which the two have done several ad campaigns. I chuckled quietly. Only in Thailand would two of the most famous actors in Thailand be noodle presenters. And not just noodle presenters-- Nadet and Yaya aren't only known for their acting, but also for Lays brand potato chips and several other food products. What can I say, Thai people love food.
My friend and I waited near the front of the line, for it was only about 10 o'clock at our arrival. After about an hour, I was slowly being pushed backwards by an awkwardly placed swinging fan in front of me and the ever encroaching crowd of people joining the area.
Just then, I looked to my right and saw another 'farang' waving at me. It happened to be another exchange student from Yasothon Pittayakom school. I forfeited my spot in the ranks and went to say hello. Noticing that the people around me had automatically filled in my space, we walked around for a while. An hour later, another exchange student and the foreign teacher assistant at Yasothon Pittayakom showed up, and we bought some food. My chances of getting back up to the front with Cake were squelched, and the four of us sat down on the sidewalk within visible distance of the stage. Soon enough, we heard screaming coming from the area, and it was obvious that the two had finally appeared.
One thing I will never understand is the screaming capabilities of a tween-aged fangirl. Of over two hundred people gathered there, there were only a handful of adults, and an even smaller amount of boys. We gravitated towards the stage and tried to peek at them, but to no avail.The area was packed with people, and the stage wasn't tall enough to give people in the back a good view, if any at all.
Instead we walked back to the curb, plopped down, and waited for a good twenty minutes for the celebrities to end their chat about Yumyum ramen. Eventually things died down, and the crowd cleared out.
Donia, the teacher assistant, and I decided to wave randomly at all of the fancy-looking cars with tinted windows in a joking manner, but were surprised when a silver van drove by slowly and Nadet opened the window and waved back at us. I can only credit this peculiar occurence to the fact that we were farang in a sea of, well, Thai people. As soon as we caught a surprised glimpse at him, he was gone, the car surrounded by a newfound wave of fans gesticulating in front of him with pens and paper.
With a laugh we walked back up to the stage to meet up with my friend, who seemed to be beaming with excitement. She showed us up-close photos she had taken of Yaya, and she even received some instant noodles to boot.
My host dad picked us all up after that, and we headed to lunch. The last exchange student at Yasothon joined us there. It was a delicious Thai meal, as always, and Cake relayed to us that she had heard a rumor that Nadet and Yaya would be eating there. We determined that the only place that they could be would be in the back room near the kitchen, so we nonchalantly decided to 'go to the bathroom' at the same time that they were leaving, running into them and their entourage along the way. With a sympathetic smile, we asked to take a photo with Nadet. He agreed, although it was obvious that he was not entirely enthused. I felt empathetic. I mean, although I don't have screaming hordes of Thai girls between the age of 10 and 17 running behind me at all times asking for my autograph, I know the sentiment of being watched all the time, and wanting some privacy. Nonetheless, we shamelessly walked over next to him and snapped away.
Since we were all together anyway, Cake, Silvia, Marine, Miriam, Donia and I all went back to my house to watch some movies and relax. As I blew out the candles on the birthday cake my host mom so kindly got me, I wished for happiness in the months ahead. I know that wish will only take me half way there, though. It's up to me to enjoy my fleeting life here in Thailand, with almost two months down and about nine more to go. And as time moves forward irrevocably, I am bound to grow up as well.

Happy birthday to me!

Our photo with Nadet. Awkwardness all around. Yaya slipped away in the hubbub. She looked very unhappy... but I can relate. Heheheh.

Traveling Through the Land of Smiles

I am in Thailand... after a four day Pre Departure Orientation for YES Abroad, two days in DC for the gateway orientation, two days of traveling, and about one week of orientations in Bangkok, I have reached my host family in Yasothon and started school. I am definitely going through a bit of culture shock, something that I didn't ever really feel in France, and I am taking my time to adjust. For now, here are some cultural "nuggets" (homage to Miss De Soto) about Thailand.

Driving home from the AFS orientation camp was the least boring ten hour car ride of my life. My perspective of Thailand originated in Bangkok, but in reality, Bangkok is not a accurate representation of Thailand. I was sad to leave the friends that I had come to know and love in the past week (or two weeks for the YES crowd), but it was time to move on. As my host family opened the car door for me and I sat down in their black Toyota, I was automatically struck with the idea that my life was changing for good.
The first thing that I noticed that I found peculiar was the roof of their car. I looked up and was surprised to see over two hundred miniature Buddha amulets stuck to the fabric, shining down on me like a thousand beams of light filtering through the forest (how poetic). I didn't ask why, but it became fairly apparent that Buddha and Buddhism means a lot to my host family.
As we got on the road, I mentally waved goodbye to Bangkok, a city that is completely and utterly in its own league. To me, it is indescribable-- I don't know how to express how amazing it is. Everything is compact and colorful, and there are people everywhere. I was a bit despondent to let it go; however, I knew that it was time to go home.
The first thing I noticed outside of bangkok was the mountains. In a province called Saratburi, I couldn't take my eyes off of the lush green hills rolling past my vision. Californian hills are big, but Thai mountains are beautiful. We stopped after only about an hour of driving, and walked up to a stand where they were making some sort of dumpling. I wasn't quite sure what was happening, but it seemed like my host family and the cooks were on a friendly basis, and they had me pose for pictures with woman frying them in a large vat of oil, and even had me put some filling in the dough and awkwardly try to make it ready to be fried. It was an odd, yet "sanuk" experience, and we bought a few boxes and got back in the car. I asked my host mother in English: "Do you know them?" and she responded with a slightly bewildered "No." Needless to say, Thai people are friendly.
After every hour or so, we would stop and get a snack at seven-eleven (thai peanuts are delicious), or we would stretch our legs and buy something at a little market. It definitely made the ride much easier. Three hours out of Yasothon, I started noticing the sky. The clouds were unlike Bay Area clouds. They seemed more three dimensional; they seemed to take up more space in the sky and start lower to the ground. It looked as if somebody had dabbed a paintbrush across a piece of paper and splattered and blotted the extra paint on top of it. I am not doing it justice here...
I also noticed the fields. Skinny and malnourished cows grazed here and there, and on the off occasion I saw a motorcycle or truck parked under a tree in a very picturesque fashion. Stray dogs roamed everywhere. They roam everywhere. I can't walk somewhere for five minutes without seeing a stray dog. The worst part about it is that I can't just go up to it and cuddle it. I have been warned coutless times to stay away from them because they are sick and dirty. I don't question this... but I wish that it would be different.
One more thing that I noticed in Bangkok, on the way to my host family's house, and in Yasothon, even, is the poverty. It permeates every portion of the country, and often you will see a ramshackled house on the side of the road patched together with wood, tin, and other scraps. In Bangkok, there were large concentrations of these houses in various parts of the city. It isn't something that is hidden, like it can be in America. Poverty is everywhere, and you can tell.
I know that this is getting way too long, but I also want to mention a little about Buddhism in Thailand. It is pervasive in 95% of Thailand, and it plays a big part in how people live their lives. I am trying to learn more about it by researching and observing my host family, but it seems to bring about a very unique way of life. For example, monks are everywhere-- and female monks, too. They cannot buy their own food, so people must offer it to them in the morning. Many of them look extremely thin, however they always seem to be happy, or if not, at least content with the task at hand.
In addition, women wear buddhist pendants around their necks. My host mother wears one daily.
An American teacher at my school lent me a book called "A Constitution For Living." It is about 80 pages, and it acts as a "cheat sheet," more or less, about how to conduct yourself as a Buddhist and a member of society. It is fascinating, but I feel like many of the statements in it require further explanation, and therefore I want to delve deeper into the various aspects of Buddhism to attempt to understand a Buddhist worldview. I think that if I read and observe Buddhist practices that I will be able to cope more with any difficulties that are presented in front of me during my exchange.

Me making a presentation in front of my school-- they couldn't understand and I couldn't understand them, but it's the thought that counts, right?

Performing with the other American AFS'ers in Thailand at our welcome party.

Making dumplings on the side of the road.

All of AFS Thailand!
SA WAT DEE KA!!

Hey there world... this will be my last post from Los Gatos, CA for approximately a year, and perhaps from the USA. I head off tomorrow morning at the ripe 'ol hour of 5:00 AM for the YES Abroad National Pre Departure Orientation in Washington D.C.. We will have three days full of bonding, workshops, and visits to the State Department and the Thai Embassy. I am excited, sad, and nervous. All of the emotions expected of person who is about to venture off into the unknown for about a year. I don't have much to say. It's true that it doesn't feel real yet, yadda yadda.
All I really know is that I hope I live up to the standards of the greatest exchange vlogger in existence: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEeKuNbOklI&feature=relmfu
And I love you all. And I want you to know that.

I am really just dreading saying goodbye to my parents. I know that there will be tears, and I just don't want to have to face that solemn pit in my stomach once more. :| But in time, it will be replaced with the excitement of arriving at my destination, and the beginning of a new and irreplaceable experience.

So, I would like to say adieu.

That's all for now, folks,
Carly
xoxo

Hello, Y'all

I have two weeks left in the good 'ol U S of A, and I am trying to soak up as much Americanism as possible before I leave. Reflecting on my time before France, I was much more anxious and fidgety than I am today. I had so many expectations for France, and in this case, I just don't have many of them for Thailand. I think that doing this a second time around will be a very awesome and unique experience. I have learned from my prior successes and failures, and I will try to improve upon them this year. I am aware that this year will not be easy by any stretch of the imagination, and this has kept me grounded during my last few weeks in the US. I imagine that my first month will be even more terrifying than my first month in France, and that I will struggle relentlessly with the infamous Thai language. That being said, I am also very excited to explore a part of the world that I know little to nothing about, and I can't wait to meet up with the YES Abroad kids in DC!

Back to reality:

I wrote this post to keep you all updated about the ongoing happenstances in my life. Countless shenanigans have ensued since my last post. First and foremost, I graduated from high school! Hooray! It was a jolly good ceremony. The last two weeks of school were the biggest whirlwind of my life, filled with tantamount stress levels and piles upon piles of work. Now that I am done, I can finally have un peu de repos...



Secondly, I GOT MY HOST FAMILY! For those of you who don't remember/have not followed my blog back quite that far, I left the USA for France without an inkling of who I would be staying with. While in New York, I was finally notified of my permanent host family. Needless to say, I was not expecting to get word of my Thai host family so soon. A few Thursdays ago, I got an email from YES Abroad telling me that I had received my permanent host family placement. I don't know too much about them, but I have traded a few emails, and they seem awesome! There is a mom, a dad, and a 22 year old son. The parents are both teachers (!! :D), and I am not sure whether the son lives at home or not. I will be living in the Yasothon Province in North Eastern Thailand, close-ish to the borders of Laos and Cambodia. It is a small town, and apparently everybody knows that I am coming... All the attention will be interesting. I expect my first few days to be filled with many a Thai bow and innumerable sa wat dii's. I am overjoyed to have gotten this information so soon, and I am looking forward to meeting them.

Lastly, I had to say my first goodbye yesterday. :( One of my neighbors and close friends is leaving for Europe this morning with her family and will not be back until after I am gone. HÉLAS!! It is saddening, but, in fact, she will be departing for France on September 5th with AFS, so I am excited to say that there will only be a five hour time difference between us next year. Yesterday was our last day together, so we climbed a mountain:

-Carly

That's about all for now. I hate to inform you that I will not be bringing my laptop to Thailand, so I don't quite know how often I will get the chance to blog. We shall seeeeeeee... :)

I will talk to you all soon-- perhaps a post in the midst of packing.

Fun Dee! I don't know how to say goodbye, so a "sweet dreams" at 11:19 in the morning shall have to suffice.